Every visit to see mum relaxed and happy in her wonderful care home, Greenacres, was a pleasure. The very last pic I put at the head of the last post, of her being wheeled by cousin Diana and her husband Lee to the YouTube Christmas concert I held in the conservatory. Here she is with them just before that, decked out in the Xmas jumper brought along by DiDi (you might also just make out the Winchester Bible enamel brooch I bought her, about which she very genuinely enthused - never one to fake it).
The two loveliest of carers, Myrna and Krishna, happened to be working on Xmas Day, and Myrna made the WhatsApp connection possible so that Mum got to see the view from Sophie's balcony in Siena
and also to say hello to our hostess, here looking pleased with the Mali crib I found her in a Bologna cloister charity sale.
It was a good day between chest infections: her voice was bright and strong, and as always she was fully responsive to everything even if she'd forgotten where we were. I'm happy for that, and no regrets other than that I wasn't with her right at the end.
Exactly a year ago, I sat beside her bed in Epsom Hospital when she was suffering from an infection, having been admitted with COPD, Covid and pneumonia, and delirious, not expected to last the night, and found how miraculously her ravings were completely stilled by the Mozart slow movements I played her. She pulled through then, came back to herself after a month in hospital - the change the minute she got back to Greenacares was astonishing - and got to celebrate her 93rd birthday in style, with all her Banstead friends plus my 'sisters', goddaughter Sara with daughter Hanna and grandson Lenny, and cousin Diana with Lee.
Around Easter there was another blip which brought me back from Ireland earlier, only to find her sitting up and doting on the ducklings which receptionist Sarah had hatched and brought around.
After that she got ever livelier, her memory actually improving, until nearly the very end. I'm profoundly grateful for the love and care shown by her carers, especially Krishna, Franco, Myrna and Sarah. Here's Myrna with her last month.
This is a quiet time while the coroner signs off, I get the death certificate and the funeral arrangements can go ahead - no point me returning from Dublin until early next week*. We'll give her a grand send off, I know, and celebrate a life well lived. More on that anon.
*Update: I saw the undertaker, solicitor and Vicar Kate on Thursday. The funeral service is fixed for 2.30pm on Tuesday 4 February at All Saints Banstead. All welcome. Death certificate issue is taking ages, partly due to the typical unhelpfulness of mum's surgery, the Longcroft Clinic - the black sheep of the pack.
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55 comments:
My condolences for your loss. But it was a blessed old age for your mum.
Thanks - no regrets. And the one fear, that she would spend the last months suffering or unhappy, is now dispelled.
Thank you for this meaningful article that touches so many- deepest condolences on your loss.
And thank you, Beth, for commenting. We all, surely, have experiences like this. I know how hard it can be - how dementia can erode the good for a while - so I'm very, very lucky.
Juliette here: Dearest David, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. How lucky your Ma was to have had you as a devoted and talented son and to have departed after a long life with little suffering. I think the last time I saw her looking sprightly and bonny was at your wedding. Thinking of you. Much love.
Feel privileged to have 'met' your smiling mother on Christmas Day- her end was a good one, and I am glad for her and for you! xxx
Thank you for all the love you shared in Banstead, Pat. Now may you Rest in Peace and Rise in Glory to the singing of the Heavenly Host. Love Donna x
Beautiful photos, David, of a very special lady. So hard to lose your mamma, but so much to be grateful for. Sending love and hugs.
Dearest David, I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. You’ve been the most doting son. She looked so beautiful and happy and it’s lovely to hear of the great care she got there. Mind yourself and see you soon xxx Gwendolen and David
Very happy photos together.deepest sympathy on your great loss joe Brennan
Thank you all. I did a lot of my grieving this time last year, when I really thought she was going to die in hospital and found the circumstances so distressing. That she had nearly a year of happy time after that back at Greenacres makes me happy.
At a time when almost all the care stories are of horrors, your loving and touching account of your mother's last year, and the lovely photographs, bring joy to any reader
What a gorgeous collection of photos - no doubt there of how happy she was and well cared-for, and surrounded by people who loved her.
Thanks. Several of us have booked our places there for the future! Remember the name Anchor - it's a not for profit company and Greenacres has offered exemplary care.
Dear David, Good to know that your Mother enjoyed her time at Greenacres and that she passed away peacefully and with good care. You have looked after her so well and you have so many happy memories to treasure. It's good that you did so much grieving last year; this time it seems that she was ready to go. Lots of love, Juliet
Thank you, dear Juliet. Although she might as before have gone back to her brilliant Greenacres self, the alternative of an unhappy lingering would have been too awful. I keep saying how lucky I am, and how hard it is for so many others whose parents have long-drawn-out dementia.
Having lost not one but two mothers myself (no Oscar Wilde importance of being earnest quips, please), I know how difficult this separation is. But in similar circs I found it great to go into the deep melancholic beauty of death and what it will reveal in the coming months, after death. There is no greater connexion than that between a person and the mother who bore you, and I think you will feel that stronger than ever now. john graham, edinburgh
As I've written before, I've thought a lot about the meaning of 'a good death', and though the last minutes wrought panic in the care home, the fact that my mother had a good final year means so much. It's much harder sifting the past from present tragedy for those whose parents died in pain, or having lost their mind.
Such a lovely tribute to your wonderful mum. I am so glad that we go to see her a few months ago - with Max. Myrna sounds an absolute treasure.
She is. While there are a handful who just do their job, the majority adored mum and her humour. There's clearly a big gap in the unit now.
Our thoughts are with you, David, and we are glad that your Mum's passing was peaceful and that she had such wonderful carers. Although we never met her, from your postings and comments at classes we regarded her as a friend.
That's a nice tribute, even if I did maybe mention my old mum too much in classes. But I regard a lot of you as good friends too.
I’m so pleased Pat was able to be at Greenacres, surrounded by lovely staff, rather than in hospital where she had been just over a year ago. I’m delighted I was able to visit her in December and enjoy her company little knowing it would be my last. Truly a one off, RIP Pat from your extended family of
Cathy, Bob, Alastair, Oliver, Christine, Louise and families plus Virginia in New York
Lovely, Cathy, thank you. It seemed very serendipitous that I encountered you there just before Diana, Lee and I departed. Wish we'd got a photo of us all together. Remembering Joy with great affection too - she will be recalled at the funeral service too, of course. xx
Hello David,
I'm so sorry to hear of your Mum's death. This is the first time I found out. The last pictures of her show what a lovely character she must have been. You are lucky to have had each other. She must have been so proud of you. Much love, Deborah.
Dear David,
We send you our sincere condolences at the sad loss of your dear Mum & our very dear Auntie Pat, who we will always remember with love & affection .
We have so many happy memories particularly during the last year at Greenacres where she was so well cared for, it is an excellent home .
Auntie Pat was very happy there.
Sending all our love from Lee & Diana x x
❤
She adored you - DiDi, you were the daughter she never had - Caroline Jane, as I was to be called - though of course I never felt less than totally loved. I always think of what you and Trina's daughters told me, too, about Dad being a happy man - I never really knew him as that, he was so troubled later on, though he too, I knew, loved me as much as a father could.
Oh, and thank you, Deborah (vdB?). Her loveliness really did come through in the last couple of years, when all the stresses fell away. And visits to Greenacres were a real love-in.
David, this blog with the wonderful photos are such a good memory of your Mum in her final year. I almost feel I knew her, and what a pity I didn’t. You were obviously both very lucky to have such a relationship. With much love from Dublin. Nancye xx
Thank you, Nancye. Extraordinary how much the carers at Greenacres loved her - there were very emotional scenes there this afternoon. Before that I saw the undertaker, the solicitor, and the vicar, and was surprised how quickly the details of the funeral service were fixed - 2.30pm on 4 February. I'll be letting everyone know tomorrow.
All my sympathies and condolences and from Rob too. Thinking of you at this difficult time. I found your piece here very beautiful and moving. It was clearly a relationship of profound love. Big hugs to you from us both. Adrian and Rob
Lovely message, thank you both.
We are very sorry about the death of your mother
Her photos (colourful, smiley... even glamorous) are lovely! Enviable
May she rest in peace and you keep that beautiful smile of her in your mind and heart.
We send you our sincere condolences and we both hope to meet soon again for bear hug. Our affection always Maria and Gelo
What lovely pictures, David. You two obviously had a wonderful relationship, something you will always be able to take strength from. Kerry xxx
Dear David: These are such lovely photos of your Mom, and the vignettes you tell that accompany them enormously affecting. I love particularly the photo of you and your Mom at the head of the post. Fun also, to see the lovely Sophie. It is wonderful your Mom had such good carers--and to see photos of some of them here, too. All best wishes to you and J.
Lovely to hear from you, Maria. I hope you and Gelo are doing OK, as I know you've had your troubles. Good to converse with you on email, Kerry. And thank you, Sue. I've asked two of the carers if they'll speak at the service. We were all a bit teary at Greenacres yesterday. First time it really caught me, seeing her photos off the door and everything packed up in the room. The flat will be different, as Lee and Diana had already helped me clear most of it prior to renting. I think now we'll go straight to selling.
Das Mutterherz!
Willst du auf die Erde, sprach der Herr zu mir,
brauchst du Liebe, die dich schützt,
Brauchst du Treue, Die dich nie verlässt.
Doch wirst du auf Erden finden nicht so bald
Lieb und Treue echt und heilig;
Darum geb' ich dir von meiner mit.
Und ich will sie legen liebes Menschenkind,
Dass du findest, In der Trübsal
Diese Gaben in das Mutterherz.
(Peter Rosegger)
How beautiful, and I know how much that resonates with you, too, Floh, and your still recent loss of your mother. Thanks so much for placing it here.
So sorry about your Mum, David. I know that when someone goes, no matter how old they are, it can be hard. But how wonderful to read that she was cared for so well in her home. What a relief that must have been for you. Caroline Bugler xx
Thank you, dear Caroline, and I know your own grief is still raw. This really is different - a serene end to a very long life, and no suffering. I'm so thankful, though that doesn't stop me thinking about mum the whole time right now.
So sorry to hear of your loss David but at tge same time it is clear how good long life she had, how caring a son you were to her and the many attentions and joys yiu gave her and she you
its better to have loved and lost etc , its the love which will stay with you
I doubt if i will be able to make it to the funeral service but will keep you in my thoughts
lets meet up when the weather is warmer
much love Marcelle
Thanks, dear Marcelle. I remain positive. Walk around the London Wetland Centre with a good friends was the best context for talking it over.
Hello David, this is Edward, Sara's son and Hanna's brother and life long love of your mum Pat. From a very early age you dear mum has shown me so much love and fun and joy every time we met. She has since passed that joy virtually onto my children Ari and Gloria even though we are thousands of miles away in Tanzania. Pat has always been a great support for whatever path I took in life and has been an even bigger support for my mum who had to see me leave for various continents around the globe. Pat was ever so kind and generous to my charity Pamoja Leo too, for which we have always been grateful, she has then impacted the lives of hundreds of other children around the world. I am very sorry that I cannot make the funeral, but I will attend virtually and be there in support of you, my mum and sister and in loving memory of a beautiful woman with a kind and happy heart. All the best David, Ed
What a wonderful message, Edward. I have followed what you do in Tanzania in amazement and admiration. I'll email you privately about what mum gave, to make sure that continues, and I'll up my own donation too. It's wonderful that mum, who of course never had grandchildren of her own, saw you and Hanna grow up into such fine people, and could then take pleasure in Aria, Gloria and Lenny. All the very best for you four and your life out there.
Hi David, I hope you’re taking comfort & warmth from friends in their accounts of just how wonderful your Mum was as I know she meant so much to so many… and that included my family and I too…I promise to look out some old photos of Mum and her before the funeral. I think she and yr Mum had known each other for nearly 90 years! What a friendship! Amazing to think they were only 6 months apart in age and died in the same year only 10 months apart! (Lots of chatting going on up there in the clouds at the moment)....Thank you for yr truly wonderful compilation of enchanting Xmas carols and music you sent me … am quite sure the Greenacres residents and staff appreciated such a musical treat. Please look after yourself and I well wait to hear from you as to when Mums funeral will be…. Am really hoping to attend as it will be so lovely to meet up again after dare I say it 50 + years! Pls Take care…. Gail x
I thought I'd sent out that message to all - 4 February at 2.30pm, All Saints Banstead. So hoping that after our wonderful re-connection and your going to see mum, we meet again in person. Found some more fabulous photos of the two of them; I need to do a thorough clear-out of photos and save the valuable ones (there are also four boxes of transparencies in the loft). I'm so glad that 'concert' was the last thing I saw mum at during my Greenacres visits. Others really loved it, people who'd hardly spoken and were effusive. I'm going to carry on doing it in her memory. Always happy memories of you as the loveliest and most fun of families, Trixie included. xx
Condolences on the passing of your dear Mum. Your heartfelt tribute and the vivid memories you’ve shared are truly touching.
Her bright voice on Christmas Day, her delight in the ducklings at Easter, and the transformative power of Mozart during her hospital stay give moving glimpses into her life.
Wishing you strength and comfort during this quiet and reflective time. May your memories of her continue to bring warmth to your heart.
Thank you both. And your phone call was much appreciated, Cristian.
Gosh David I was so sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful mum. It’s been really lovely reading about her happy times at Greenacres (which sounds incredible by the way!) and about all the people in her life from her loved ones to her favourite carers. She looks positively perky in the photos. Thank you so much for sharing all of this with us. I’m really sorry she didn’t quite make it to 94, but 93 is an extraordinary achievement in itself. I know this is such a loss for you - it’s really, really hard. Hopefully you can take comfort in planning what will undoubtedly be a beautiful service to honour her. Plus you’ll be able to rest easy knowing she had quality of life to the very end. In turn your mum would have been so thrilled to see you thriving in life. Thinking of you and sending lots of love from Australia. Ash x
Thanks, Ashley. I get a bit teary at odd moments, and reading that was one of them. Beautifully put, thank you. It's all good but I'm taken aback by how tiring it is now, and by how she occupies most of my headspace. It was good to go back to my Zoom class and realise I COULD totally focus on that for the duration. x
David, so very sorry to hear the sad news of you mother's death from my mother, Margaret Carter. Auntie Pat, as my sister & I called her when we lived next door in St Leonards Road, was a lovely lady. I remember her as being always full of energy & very kind to us - she would invite us round for tea & cake & sometimes we would play in the garden while your Dad clipped a hedge or creosoted the garden fence. When you were born I was playing outside & remember your parents bringing you home from hospital & Pat showing you to me swathed in white blankets. As you grew into a toddler we would play with you & sing nursery rhymes. After we moved to Epsom & Pat to Banstead my mother always kept in touch & in later years the two of them would go to concerts at the Yehudi Menuhin School or out to lunch at a cookery school where the trainee chefs would cook delicious lunches. Some years ago I bumped into Pat at the Hampton Court Flower Show & she greeted me with the same enthusiasm as she always had when I was a child. So many fond & happy memories....... best wishes David, Marese x
How lovely to hear from you, Marese. Your mum sent a private message full of insights, which she'll let me use in the eulogy. I always loved coming over to see you all - the stream at the bottom of the garden had a special fascination, and that reel to reel tape recorder, which has preserved our entertainments, I gather. Both mums had/have a great capacity for friendship and yours sounds completely unchanged, though like mine as long as she lived at home mobility is an issue.
You'll gather from this that mine kept her personality and her humour to the end.
It would be lovely if you and/or Katy could attend the service on the 4th, though I assume work might make it difficult. One of those Yehudi Menuhin School musicians, who's since become a good friend, will play - mum always remembered Ben Baker and could place him when others didn't always ring a bell. Currently, having been let down by Truelove, I'm trying to find alternative ways of livestreaming the service so Margaret can see it. I told her I'd love to see you all at some point - mustn't leave it too long. x
Dear David , forgive me for taking so long to respond. I am so sorry to hear your mum has passed. She sounds like a wonderful lady and she must have been so proud of you. Never an easy time and somewhat surreal. Thinking of you, much love. Katherine and Andy xxx
Thank you both so much - I know you went through it recently with a mother of an even grander age. Feeling a bit discombobulated by a few ungracious spanners in the works of the funeral arrangements, which I'm carrying entirely on my own shoulders.
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